Sometimes things remind me of December 17th, our “D-day”, our diagnosis day or remind me of that awful, dark hospital stay. Sometimes it’s things that have to do with the hospital, sometimes it’s things that I do that send me back (like when I count out Doritos or Teddy Grahams into 15 carb snack baggies), sometimes it’s when I read stories that others post on facebook or other websites. It could be anything, and usually when I least expect it. Often those thoughts give me that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I’d be just as happy to never look back and move forward . . . remember only necessary information, not the devastation of the moment.
But Ryan is different. At least with one thing ~ he LOVES to wear his hospital scrub pjs. They are that crayola “sea green” color and the top has puppy dogs all over with the black ink stamp of Children’s Medical Center with the balloon logo on the front left side. He was so skinny and they were so big on him at the time. I wanted to throw them out, but Ryan asked me to wash them and put them in his drawer. Every now and then, he emerges from the bathroom in those scrubs and it makes me want to scream, “TAKE THEM OFF AND BURN THEM!” I asked him recently why he loved them so much and even asked if it was just that they were so comfortable. His reply was, “No, I just like them.” Maybe it’s because the other two don’t have pjs anything like it. Maybe it’s because he thinks he’s a doctor when he wears them. Maybe it’s because there are puppy dogs all over them. But he seems to wear them just as quickly as I can get them clean and in his drawer.
I had a thought today. Maybe there’s another reason he loves them. I believe with my heart of hearts, that not only was God in the room with us during that stay, protecting my baby boy from serious medical complications, but I believe there were angels present in that room too. He was so afraid during that stay; we were all terribly afraid. I believe in angels. I believe when we are most afraid, when we want to see something miraculous to comfort and calm our hearts and when we totally surrender all control to the Lord when things are completely out of our control, I think then we have the ability to see them. I believe I had an angel encounter once, but didn’t realize it until it was over. Another story, another time. But what if in Ryan’s complete innocence in a completely overwhelming and scary time, Ryan felt the presence of angels and/or saw them and doesn’t even know it. What if those same pajamas that nearly move me to tears every time I see them wash over Ryan with a peace and security that he can’t even verbalize and maybe himself doesn’t completely understand.
Okay, now I know I might be reading too much into it, and I might be trying to grab a hold of a thought to selfishly bring myself a little peace and comfort. I am willing to admit that. But these two things I know: (1) Ps. 91:11 “For He will order his angels to protect you wherever you go.” and (2) Ryan is most definitely comforted when wearing these particular pajamas.