When Jay and I decided to start this blog, we promised ourselves we’d keep things positive about living with diabetes and be upbeat and encouraging. And that’s exactly what I want to do. But I feel the need for a little genuineness and vulnerability to make the blog useful, real and have “that d-mom gets it” quality. AND I started to writing for therapeutic reasons. I can process emotions and issues a little easier when I see a written word or when I have to gather my thoughts to write a single sentence.
And in all honesty . . . these last seven days or so have been really tough.
Here’s the scoop:
- I know that it’s the end of the school year and there are way too many activities going on to keep up and still maintain some sort of quality family life, not to mention, keeping things consistent diabetically (is diabetically a word? I just used it as an adverb! Wow!! We’ll just call it poetic license.)
- Jason just got a promotion about six weeks ago that is completely awesome financially, but is requiring more time at the job and he is mentally spent when he comes home in the evening which is completely understandable. It’s all temporary to a certain extent; once things get transitioned well, things should run more smoothly and after he completes and implements the training he has in June. But for now, it’s a lot of give and take.
- And there’s always the more minor issues relationally. Those situations in of themselves are no big deal, but when I mix them with crazy busy and overstressed, they can seem like mountains. Here is where I often have to prioritize where I put my energies and this is no easy task because all relationships are important in my book!
- And then there are burdens I try to help carry for others by praying for them and reaching out and “spending myself” on them, but life is just hard and situations are simply just sad sometimes; and I want to change them, but most of the time can’t. And just saying “I’m here” or “I’ll be praying” just doesn’t seem like enough.
- And, finally, the news of the sweet 13 year old boy, Trent Nicholson, whom I have never met and didn’t know his name until last week, who had passed away from T1 diabetic complications. I cannot seem to get that boy and family off my mind since reading a little bit of what his mom wrote about Trent’s passing. Perhaps I will write more about him later this week because this child impacted my life in reading about his.
So, add that all up and it’s pretty overwhelming. And all that would be tough for me to carry IF Ryan’s sugars were good and consistent . . . but they haven’t been. His numbers have consistently run high. Even his lower numbers are in the highest part of his range if not over a bit. And just when I was about to scream because the numbers don’t make sense or don’t seem to have a reason, then Ryan has a low, more out of the blue than the several highs before. RACHEL THURSBY . . .why doesn’t 2+2=4 anymore!?!?! ;o And two things have compounded this roller coaster in my mind: 1) my mother-on-law was here for a visit last week, and as all you T1 mom’s know, high sugars affect temperament and behavior, at least it does for Ryan. He becomes highly irritable and unhappy. We had glimpses of moments like it was before he was diagnosed. And I so wanted Jason’s mom to see that we were doing good and things were under control and I’m not so sure she saw that this past week. 😦 2) We have an endo appointment tomorrow and have another A1C! That parental report card that tells you if you are succeeding or failing. No, that’s not REALLY what it is but that’s what parents of diabetics can’t help but feel this way.
Okay . . . there’s my negative gushing for the day and thus explains my facebook status last night of “Feeling overwhelmed and can’t seem to get a grip. :(” So let’s try to see the positive side of these situations.
- The school year is almost over. All these activities and ceremonies and such are to reward them for job well done and completion in the year. I MUST be patient and press forward because I have bright children who excel at school and deserve all these fun things at the end. Hang in there, Momma of the Lederer boys, summer break is almost here (excuse me, as I give myself a little pep talk).
- Jason got a promotion at work! His abilities and hard work have been finally recognized. He is doing a great job. He is overwhelmed with his work day, but demonstrated good work ethic and habits and will be successful in this position. I need to be supportive and patient and do what I can to give him what he needs at home to send him off to work with his “love tank” full and ready to go. I love you, Jay, and am so proud of the man you are!
- God made us to need each other, as my pastor’s wife has said consistently for quite some time. God puts relationships and people in our life to compliment us and support us and allow us to laugh with. And I must stop and enjoy, not complicate things. Sometimes it’s just a matter of letting go and letting people do and be who they are not who I want or expect them to be. And be thankful for the ones that are in my life.
- The same goes with “bearing one another’s burdens.” I need to realize my limits and that praying is powerful and the very best thing I can do for someone going through crisis or sickness or hard times. God has a plan and purpose and TIMING for everyone in their own individual lives and I need to be Amy and not God and allow God to do as He sees best, not get frustrated when these human, finite eyes don’t see it.
And regarding diabetes, I need to stop and be thankful. Not necessarily for the disease, but for the child. What a precious little T1 boy God has given me. He handles the maintaining so much better than I do. I don’t understand his body. I don’t understand why a 55 carb meal one week keeps him steady and consistent and that very same meal the next week shoots him near the 300 range. I need to be patient and encouraging to Ryan. I need to be patient and encouraging with myself. If I get frustrated and down, Ryan feels that and it again, affects his sugar.
But I have to tell you that it was overwhelming the response I got from my facebook status yesterday. My parents are incredible and support, love and hold me when I need it and I am forever thankful for the ones God’s given me . . . my biggest cheerleaders. And my sister, who did not respond to my status, but texted and talked with me last night. She is my sister but my best friend too and always knows what to say even if she really doesn’t KNOW what to say. My sister-in-law, Melanie, has been a wonderful friend and always listens when I’m just stumped; I wish we were lived closer together. My church family and friends all over the U.S. Who take the time to remind me that I am loved and prayed for. And finally for the T1 moms who understand my heart, my struggles, my fears, my “I think I’m gonna scream” moments because they “get it” because they are there with their precious little ones. Tina Bell, I pray that God allows our paths to cross face to face one day because of the encouragement you have been to me in such a short time. Lamesa (aka “Mesa”), I got your scripture just as I was drifting off to sleep last night when my phone buzzed that I had another comment to my post. I turned on the light, looked up the scripture and cried at how it spoke to me as my mind was washed over with peace, regarding all these situations, not just the diabetes.
So I suppose my “embrace diabetes” encouragement and thought for the day is this: When life turns you upside down and you feel overwhelmed “diabetically” or with life or with both all wrapped up together, BE VULNERABLE AND SHARE IT. Otherwise you might rob someone else of the opportunity to be a blessing to you.
By the way, Ryan’s sugar was good this morning and good for lunch. In diabetes where all too much doesn’t seem to make sense, the praying has made all the difference.
P.S. Spell check doesn’t recognize the word “diabetically” . . . one of it’s suggestions is diabolically. Is that just fitting or what?!? Had to laugh out loud!!