Embracing Life & the Child with the Disease

The Middle

Diabetes has entered our life through our middle child.  That same middle child is obsessed with reading the “Diary of a Wimpy Kid” series who’s main character writing the diary is a middle child.  And that middle child who loves to read from the perspective of another middle child has a range of numbers we try to balance in the middle or in-between the range of 80-150.   

Diabetes has been daunting for that middle child in the last two weeks.  His sugars have spiked (thankfully his a1c was taken at the very beginning of the madness), his screening for Celiac has fallen into the “gray, let’s-wait-a-few-months-and-see, area”, and today, his numbers went over 400 which sent him on an emotional tailspin that almost sent him into a panic attack . . . AND HE’S FIVE.  

All days and weeks of diabetes aren’t like this.  For those of you non-T1ers who read because you love us or know us or just want to educate yourselves a little on the day-to-day of the disease, I can honestly say that it hasn’t been this hard the entire five plus months.  But between the possibility of slowly coming out of the honeymoon stage (which could possibly explain some of the high steady numbers, then inexplicably returning back to normal), the Celiac screening and the side effects today of his emotions with the extremely high sugar  . . .  I have had to do some real soul-searching to find where I am as a mom and just as Amy in the craziness.  It’s a surreal thing to know you are reeling out of control emotionally, mentally and spiritually and give yourself a pep talk as if you are your own best friend, saying what you need to hear, knowing what you need to do and still not quite being able to make it there. 

A single phone call from a dear, sweet friend God has given me through diabetes and has allowed us to take this journey together helped me find some peace and balance.   —- Excuse me, readers, while I speak to Allison for a moment:  Allison, you were truly an emotional lifesaver for me yesterday and knew exactly what I needed to hear.  It is amazing to me that we have “known” each other, although we have never met face to face, for a little over two months but there is a connection that could be compared to a lifelong friendship.  There are simply no words to express my gratitude for that 40 minutes and 11 seconds out of your day to talk with me and just offer YOU.  —-  Thanks for staying with me everyone.  🙂  I know so many of you D-moms and dads know what I’m talking about . . . that “get it” factor.  And it’s even bonus when you are at the same place at nearly the same time and can walk side by side. 

Before the boys got home from school today, the D-Mom in me was able to “talk myself down” a little.  Sometimes in parenting diabetes, the anxieties build and the what ifs sneak in and try to overcome and the numbers, those awful numbers, seem so daunting that you can almost hear them laugh through the meter “209” (snicker) . . . “62” (giggle) . . . “402” (hearty belly laugh) and all  you want to do is cry or scream or have a full-out two-year-old tantrum.   But today, I was calm and able to remind myself that D is not a terminal disease, it’s manageable . . . a pain at best . . . but manageable.  It could always be worse.  He is healthy right now and we are being proactive and teaching him how to take care of his body.  And he is really a happy boy who lights up the room when he enters. 

But I was alone tonight in the car driving myself home from choir practice and I was singing.  The song “Love Them Like Jesus” was in my head.  There is a line, “Love them like Jesus,  Carry them to Him . . . ”  And I was overwhelmed with the knowledge of all the prayers that have gone up for Ryan and our family . . . and some for me.  I began to weep and thank God that I don’t have to go through this alone.  I have an incredibly supportive husband who shares the burden and responsibility with me and I know there are some who do it alone.  I am thankful for two other sons who have adjusted without complaint or resistance to all life’s changes with diabetes when they don’t have the disease.  I am thankful for parents and family on both sides who pray for me and with me and just listen.  I am thankful for the countless many in different places who consistently pray, keep up and encourage.  It was a good few moments of praising in the storm.     

Tonight, I listened to the words of a song that I have heard many times before.  But really caught the words when I was cleaning up in the kitchen.  The song is entitled “Somewhere in the Middle.”  I will add the lyrics and the link so you can listen if you like, but it embodies where I am, who I am right now.  I am a work in progress . . . a faith in growing pains . . . a clay with the Potter molding and shaping His masterpiece . . . and it’s painful . . . it’s not what I would have chosen . . . it’s not my will for Ryan or for the rest of the family.  But it is what it is.  And found myself realizing tonight that I, like Ryan, am somewhere in the middle of who I am and who I want to be . . . ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sjHiCjLUwOk )

(emphasis mine)

Somewhere between the hot and the cold
Somewhere between the new and the old
Somewhere between who I am and who I used to be
Somewhere in the middle, You’ll find me

Somewhere between the wrong and the right
Somewhere between the darkness and the light
Somewhere between who I was and who You’re making me
Somewhere in the middle, You’ll find me

Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender without losing all control

Fearless warriors in a picket fence, reckless abandon wrapped in common sense
Deep water faith in the shallow end and we are caught in the middle
With eyes wide open to the differences, the God we want and the God who is
But will we trade our dreams for His or are we caught in the middle

Are we caught in the middle

Somewhere between my heart and my hands
Somewhere between my faith and my plans
Somewhere between the safety of the boat and the crashing waves

Somewhere between a whisper and a roar
Somewhere between the altar and the door
Somewhere between contented peace and always wanting more
Somewhere in the middle You’ll find me

Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender without losing all control

Lord, I feel You in this place and I know You’re by my side
Loving me even on these nights when I’m caught in the middle

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Comments on: "The Middle" (4)

  1. Nana (mom) said:

    Love you, Babe!

  2. i can only try to imagine what you go thru. you are a fantastic momma & wife! those boys couldn’t have a better lady of the house 🙂 i’m proud to call you friend!

  3. (((hugging you tight)))

    Oh, those early days. I remember them so well….you are doing INCREDIBLE. As is your beautiful family.

    May God continue to bless this journey.

    With God, ALL things are possible!

  4. I am right there with you Amy. Praying for you EVERYDAY! ((hugs))

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