Today is the first day in a very long time that I have been alone. My mom started a new job today (woo hoo for mom, praying for you today). My boys are all at school. No one is sick. No doctor’s appointments. No grocery shopping. No errands to run. No coffee dates, which has become a favorite weekday activity. I’m still in my sweats and sweatshirt I threw on to take the boys to school. No shower yet (TMI?). Hair is in it’s usual mid-week ponytail, except for the bangs in my eyes that I let the hair stylist cut last week . . . what was I thinking?!?!?
But my point is, I’ve had total quiet today. No tv. Just cds playing in the background and the occasional concert performed by me, for me, myself and I. All by my lonesome, only my thoughts to keep me company. And that can be scary sometimes, you know?
Now is when the lies come. That devil whispers in my ear. He tells me all the things that scare me.
“You aren’t a good enough pancreas.”
“You shouldn’t have changed that basal nighttime basal.”
“You’ve waited too long to increase that daytime one.”
“That low last night was YOUR fault, Amy!”
“I’m never going to sleep all night long again.”
“Will he check his sugar at 3a when he’s older?”
“Am I being irresponsible not being quite ready for that cgm?”
Those terrible d thoughts . . . lies . . . And the thoughts go on and on.
But what about those thoughts that aren’t d-related. Those burdens we bear for others, for those we love, because life does not stop just because d has entered it.
I pray for my sister-in-law who is still grieving the loss of her precious Faith Ariel. I have not forgotten. I pray everyday . . . still.
One of my dearest friends is heavy with a life struggle today and I canNOT get her off my mind. The desperation in her words this morning. She’s in my prayers too. I’m praying for you, Friend, you know who you are. My heart aches for you today. My arms are just not long enough.
I miss my sister today. More than usual. She’s discouraged today too, but trying to be brave and confident. Trusting that God has a plan. Just to have that cup of coffee with you, I’d give just about anything.
Those fighting cancer. Those looking for work. Those facing financial devastation. Those discouraged, depressed, dismayed. Missing family that is far away. That marriage that needs restoration or the one that is at the point of no return. And that list goes on and on as well.
People are struggling. Hearts are breaking. Life is hard.
And I have a decision to make. One decision. A decision I’m making today. A decision I will try to make a regular part of my life. A decision I might have to make daily, sometimes, even hourly.
Today. This Day. This Tuesday. I’m choosing . . . THANKFULNESS. POSITIVITY. JOY. It does not come naturally these days. But it IS a choice I have.
I’m going to commit to having a weekly post of THANKFULNESS. I’m going to call it . . . THANKFUL THURSDAYS. So many have done similar things to try to let the sun in on the dreary days of life. And I so respect it. Was a coward to try to do it for myself then. But I’m trying to be brave and make a committment.
It’s scary to post this publicly. You, especially, you d-mommas, know where the darkness too often blankets my days. I will still post the sad things, the hard things, the realities that we face every day. I want to be vulnerable and transparent with the things that hurt because getting them out, sharing them with you is therapy. It’s processing and working through it. I appreciate the ones that have let us all in, let me in, to share their sorrows, their fears, their failures and feelings. We all need a venue to get that out so we can be what we need to be for our Sweet Ones and the rest of our precious family.
There IS so much to be sad about. So much that is just not fair. So much that is just wrong. There is so much of life that just aches us to the core.
But I want to choose to be thankful. Thankful for the things I’ve missed for way too long. I don’t want to miss them anymore.
I’m going to stumble and fall. Get mad. Find that funk again. And if I miss a Thursday, call me on it. I want you to make me accountable. I want to find that joy again. That real joy. Not just in moments, but in LIFE.
And I pray it’s contagious.
Today is not Thursday . . . but here’s my THANKFUL for today:
Because of Diabetes, you are here. I’m connected with you. We’re living life together. And right now, I couldn’t do it without you.
You, My Family – who reads because you love me. Because you see the life we live and support us physically, verbally and with love.
You, My Friends near and far away – who read because you care. Because I matter to you. Because Ryan matters to you. Because you pray.
You, My D-Mommas – who I would have NEVER met without D in my life. I cannot imagine life without you now. For the good, the bad and the ugly . . . you stand by, cheer, cry, support and most importantly, “GET IT.”
D today reminds me that because you are here, I am loved. I am supported. I have been blessed with amazing people in my life.
And for you . . . I am forever thankful.
Even in the worst of trials, God does give us the tools to survive and get through . . . HE GAVE ME YOU!
P.S. To my amazing husband on his 34th birthday today . . . words cannot describe how thankful I am for you, my friend, my love, my prince. This will be our best year yet. And if not, we’ll do it together, like we always do, and fall in love more and more along the way. Happy Birthday, Baby. I love you.