Embracing Life & the Child with the Disease

What if …

Field Trip with a d-bag and a smile

Yep, it’s been a week since D-Blog week and I have not blogged one single time since last Sunday.  And boy what a week it has been!  I don’t even know where to begin. 

I took a fabulous trip to Chicago this week.  But I think I will save that for a post later this week when I can gather my thoughts clearly to really give justice to the impact those two days made on my life forever.  So be looking for it.

But tonight, I heard a song again, that I have heard before, re-posted on my facebook wall and have even mindlessly sang in my house while doing daily chores.  I know the lyrics to the chorus.  They have moved me on more than one occasion.  But tonight, a dear friend reposted it on her wall.  And I listened again and understood one phrase of it more clearly than ever. 

The Song – Blessings by Laura Story

And the chorus is my focus tonight:

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

“What if a thousand sleepless night are what it takes to know you’re near . . . ” is where I always cry.  Those sleepless nights can bring such strong emotion.  And they aren’t ALL bad.  I blogged about it a few weeks back, my moment with Ryan.  But as we all know, d-moms or not, but especially my “get it” readers know, that those sleepless nights most of the time do not produce the precious times.  They are too often blanketed with fear, stress, resentment, questions, anger and exhaustion beyond words.  And more so lately, for me, a cry out to God with my most raw feelings, feelings I don’t have the words to share with anyone out loud about why I am awake. 

But tonight, I find myself focused on another phrase of the song.  “What if the trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise.”  That phrase has always perplexed me.  Yes, yes, poetically, I get it.  The ironies of life.  The bits of comfort received in the midst of heartache.  I get it.  But there was an ah-ha moment for me last night.  A big one that slapped me right in the face.

Last week, I was in Chicago with one of my most dear d-mom friends, Tina Bell.  We sat across the table at Juicy-O and again standing at the island in her kitchen sharing dx stories for the first time verbally without needing the aid of the written word.  So much emotion surfaced in the sharing that way.  I recalled how we were prepared for organ damage in the ER room that night.  The doctors and specialists were all but saying that Ryan had heart, liver and/or kidney damage.  The ketones in his body were indicitive of it, I suppose . . . so much of that night is such a blur.  And an endocrinologist came in, sat down and explained that contrary to what they believed, without medical explanation, Ryan had no damage to his major organs save the autoimmune attack on his body producing insulin.  He said we were possibly just days away from tragedy.  We did not see it so much then, struggling to swallow the diagnosis.  But tonight, after reliving those hours just days ago with friends, that line jumped out at me.  The mercies in our situation were masked.  His organs were strong.  His body would be again once the synthetic insulin and disease management settled in.  It was a mercy, a praise, we missed that night on December 17, 2009.  It took me until tonight to wrap my arms around the magnitude of those mercies too.  

Ryan was afraid tonight.  The tornado in Joplin, 25 miles from where we lived when Ryan was born, was on his mind.  The EF4 that was 3/4 mile wide and spanned over a 6 mile long damage path was big discussion in our home.  Ethan is fascinated with tornadoes.  And then we had a pretty significant thunderstorm here in Dallas too.  I think the combination of the two was just enough to keep that precious boy’s mind from shutting down enough to sleep.  I thought all the boys were asleep in the floor in my room, but in walks, very sheepishly, my Ryan, twisting the shirt he was wearing and whispered, “Mom, I’m scared.”  I had him get in my bed with me and talk about why he was afraid, then I wrapped my mommy arms around him and told him to sleep and I’d hold him for a bit.  I could feel his little body relax.  Knowing I needed to get some things ready for tomorrow, I called for Jason, who willingly assumed the holding position of this sugar baby until his was sound asleep enough to be moved to his temporary pallet on the floor next to his brothers. 

And the whole time, I kept humming and softly singing that chorus over and over.  Ryan is still with us, not disease-free, but organ-healthy.  And for that I’m so very thankful. 

Here’s the whole song in lyric and can be listened to here

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we’d have faith to believe

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It’s not our home

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise


Comments on: "What if …" (6)

  1. I heard that song last week for the first time….at the end of a rainstorm, while driving to a workout, and with a rainbow in the sky.

    It jumped out at me as if someone was holding a neon sign right in front of my car.

    Praying for Joplin.

  2. Denise aka Mom of Bean said:

    Such a powerful song. It’s amazing how different parts can impact us at different times.
    What mercy that Ryan’s organs were not damaged.

  3. I pretty much ball my eyes out every time I hear that song… I first heard it the week (last Nov.) my best friends hubby was diagnosed with cancer…. he died 14 days later. We all have trials that are unique to our family/personal life and it amazes me how God uses someone (who knows when that song was written or how long it was in the works) to give us some “aha!” moments. I love you, Ams!!

  4. I haven’t heard that song, but wow, those are some beautiful lyrics.

    Can’t wait to hear more about your trip to Chicago!

    Keeping Joplin in my thoughts.

  5. I have a friend, my BFF actually, that suffers pretty badly at times from depression. She posts on it and talks about it with me. While I would never wish it on anyone…”D” or “depression” or any hardship … in a way I think they form and mold us. My friend would not be the same human being without her struggles; same goes for all of us and our children. I wonder, are we the better for it. I know it has pushed me to strive harder and be better than I would have ever dreamed.

  6. I know that song. It really does speak to you, doesnt it? I so get it… I hear you. I feel you. It’s like God is hitting me over the head with His lyrics at times. They speak to my heart in ways that words alone can not… We had a tornado watch here tonight. Sweets was scared, too. I held her on my lap while it passed. As it was ending, she pulls my ear down and whispers, “I love you, Mommy”. How lucky I am to have such a sweet, SWEET girl!

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